How Big Are You Willing To Dream...?

I wrote this note two days after Christmas and never published it. I thought today would be a good day to do so...




"How big are you willing to dream?"

That is the question I keep hearing in my subconscious today.


So I think about it and write it down and pray.

"That's not big enough."

Funny. A year ago, if I had dared to dream, I would have immediately stopped myself and told myself I don't deserve to dream. 


If you're telling yourself that today, please stop.

The dreams you have in your heart were put there to bring light to this world, to bring hope and joy and love to others and into your own life. So dream, dream some more and dream bigger dreams.

[Steps down off soapbox.]

Ok. So now for some updates.

"I feel like the past three months have been like an open heart surgery every day, and the doctor isn't done...He just lets me walk around with my chest open and my heart exposed..."

Yes. Precisely.

These were words from a new friend spoken at the dinner table on Christmas Eve. We were discussing our experiences at school. I have had no words for what's happening, except to say it feels like I'm constantly being forced to do myofascial release, and my insides feel bruised. (If you've ever had Graston or ART manual therapy, that's what it feels like to be in school at BSSM...every day.)

Or as my friend says, you're to show up at school with a hole in your chest whilst your heart gets worked on, and you're still expected to be social and work and do your homework on time.

Character building.

And it's all a choice. Every day, it is a choice to respond in this way to what we are learning. We totally have the choice to simply show up and warm the chair...or not. To read the books and do the assignments...or not. We are on an honor system here. But why sacrifice so much and not be willing to do the work? Why not grow your faith and believe it will all be worth it in the end?

So aside from the fact that it feels like I'm having my insides ripped out and re-arranged every day, there are a few more things that I'm learning.

Paul Manwaring, one of fathers in our school just did an 8-minute podcast that brilliantly articulates what the first three months of school were about for us. The link is on my page. Make some tea and have a listen. Amazing. It explains the importance of seeing yourself as a son or daughter, in relation to God as a Father. That concept used to either bewilder me or make me cringe. Now it makes so much sense.

During the last three months, I've just gone for it. I've auditioned for everything I could, volunteered for every event my schedule would permit, and joined with friends in creating our own opportunities to work, learn and serve the less fortunate.

I have been rejected at auditions, been chosen for school trips to places I told God I wanted to end up eventually (...in my wildest dreams!!!), been chosen for the Creativity Track at school, and chosen to serve Redding's women, young and old in the area of fashion and beauty.I have prayed for children with cancer, and for their aching parents. I have danced with some really talented men and women every week. I have had so much fun handing out Christmas cards, cookies, gifts and hugs to those without a home.

I am learning to walk out forgiveness and live in healthy relationship with others. I am learning to teach others to do the same. I am learning my identity and worth. I am learning who I am created to be. I am learning that we cannot do life alone, or achieve our dreams while maintaining our independence.

 I am being knitted together into an international family of people who are passionate about changing the world, and together, we are already doing it. We are being cheerful in our work, joyful as we walk down the street. We are singing in retirement homes and mentoring youth. We are dancing at raves and dancing in the street, releasing joy and hope wherever we go. We are learning how to love ourselves well so we can love others well. We are learning leadership techniques to be successful husbands and wives, pastors, chefs, garbage collectors, actors, models, grandparents, or people feeding orphans in the African bush.

People ask me constantly...are you going to preach? What are you going to do after you're done here? What do you want out of this experience?

Am I learning to preach? Yes. Is that ok? The Bible says it is. So you want to start a church and proselytize? Maybe and absolutely NOT.

Now that we have that cleared up, here's what I've decided. I definitely have a framework for how I'd like to see the next two years or so play out.

I have heard that first year year is like building a new foundation, or tearing out all the faulty wiring and repairing the foundation of your beliefs, identity, etc.; and that second year is building, or re-building the house. So I definitely know I need to do second year. You have to be recommended by your Revival Group Pastor, apply and then be accepted. Usually half the number of first-year students make it, or choose to go on to second year. I've been recommended, and have applied...and am waiting to hear...

I've said before that I feel like a fish, who all it's life has been judged for it's ability to climb trees, and has finally found water. I think a better picture would be of a bird, who all it's life was tethered to a branch. A bird who knew it was born to fly, and did just that...within reason. Now the tether has been cut, and I'm learning that the sky is the limit...