Testimony time, and ten questions...

Today was a very, very good day. 

It started with an exciting meeting with new friends. I can't wait to share with you the fruits of what we discussed. (Watch this space??!!)

Later in the day, I met with more new friends, and heard from an old friend that somehow, a $900+ medical debt she'd been paying on monthly was somehow lost...as in there is no more record of it in the system. "Sorry for any inconvenience, ma'am, but we can't find it anywhere. I guess you don't have to pay on it anymore..."

 [GLORY HANDS! ***does happy dance for friend***] H A L L E L U J A H.

I felt a bit like doing a Q and A this evening. I chose the one from Inside The Actors Studio, though I know it comes from somewhere else. Allegedly, Proust is famous for answering these questions...at least that's what Google says. I think Siri's tired, otherwise I'd ask her...

So here are my answers. I'm curious-- what are yours? Comment below! 

P. S. I have a hard time choosing a single answer to most questions, so I'm limiting myself to 2 answers for each question... xoxo.

1. What is your favorite word?     Negotiable.

2. What is your least favorite word?    It's a derogatory curse word aimed at women.

3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?  Very. Expensive. Perfume.  (...and hot weather!)

4. What turns you off?  Monotony and bad manners.

5. What is your favorite curse word?  Shit.

6. What sound or noise do you love?  Streams, small fountains, and the ocean...

7. What sound or noise do you hate?  My alarm.

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?  Aerial artist (circus); tv travel host/writer.

9. What profession would you not like to do?  Anything involving the DMV, or local and state government.

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly gates?  Since Heaven does exist, I hope I hear "Welcome home, daughter. Well done."

...this NEVER happens...!

That moment when you're in the coolest hipster coffee house, full of cute lumber-sexual boys with cute man buns (...like the kind in your hair...obviously!), and girls with perfectly penciled-gelled-highlighted brows...

...and your intestines decide to explode.

This NEVER happens...!

(...except in kindergarten, like five times...and you actually crapped your ever loving pants in public.)

Most of my worldly possessions of any worth (You know...the ones with the partially eaten forbidden fruit inlaid on some portion of their exterior...), are strewn about the table...and are all fully functioning at the same time...it's a great day.

...until suddenly.

So you casually re-cross your legs, thinking it must have been a false alarm.

...and then do it again, because it obviously wasn't, but blue-flannel boy in the corner has been looking at your..computer(?) repeatedly for the last half hour, and you're not about to ask him to watch your things for you...

...and then you're like...

...FROCK it...I'm goingto$HIPmypants...

So you casually stand, as if your brand-name athleisure shoes were actually Jimmy Choos, and glide, giving blueflannelboy, and Timberland-ad-barista-man your best runway face, to the infernal-ever-loving-washroom...ardently hoping to God, (...because in this moment, you're certainly glad there's One to hope in...), that. You. Make. It. In. Time.

(Addendum: The mission was a success. All ships made it successfully into appropriate maritime boundaries and limits.)

Thanksgiving.

This week, I was explaining to my housemate, who is from Finland, the history of America's Thanksgiving holiday. She looked at me in astonishment, and said, "...this must be why America has been so successful! You have a holiday in which you give thanks! Finland should have a Thanksgiving!"

I am thoroughly convinced that my housemate will one day be the president of Finland, so I assured her that she could certainly institute said holiday when she is chosen as Head of State...

I have spent most of my life being embarrassed by my country, especially on a governmental (...please note: I respect my President, and his officials, even if I disagree with some of their choices and ideas...), and cultural level, but in the past year, I have become more and more proud to be an American. I live in a place where freedom is valued...I have learned that this is not the case in many places.

Freedom is costly and messy, and I'm so glad we live in a place where we are allowed to make mistakes, and have the freedom to clean up our mess. In America, there is always a solution.

I think one of the most profound ways America is different, (...and Canada...and the other places in the Commonwealth that observe a day of giving thanks), is that we take a day to be grateful. To gather as friends, family, and framily, put aside our differences, and celebrate everything for which we are grateful.

On that note, I'm thankful for freedom. I am thankful for Abraham Lincoln, who failed most of his life, but never gave up,  and reunited a nation at war with itself, and then instituted Thanksgiving. I am thankful for American forefathers, and the military (...including both of my Marine grandfathers...), who have,  at great cost, fought for my liberty.

 I'm thankful for current fathers and mothers who took risks, sacrificed much, and invested in my life. providing me a "high ceiling" of possibility...a legacy that is now my foundation on which I am to build, for my family and for the next generation.

I have been waiting since early spring to write this post. I was hoping to have it ready by my birthday, but like so many other things, that simply didn't happen. (One of my key areas of opportunity and focused area of character work is time management...)

One day in early March or April, I discovered that my birthday, September 10th, is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Day.

I found that extremely ironic.

Some of you reading this know that for most of my life, especially between the ages of 25 and 34, I struggled daily with the urge to kill myself.

I did not really want to share this publicly until I knew I had a really firm "yes" within myself to live. For years, it was a daily battle to say "no" but that's not a very strong choice. The strongest choice is to say "yes" to life, and that is very, very, very hard, especially if you've spent many years in pain, and have comforted yourself with the option to kill yourself. 

Suicide then becomes a friend with your house key. The thought can come in at anytime, and is actually a welcome guest.

My story of suicide has many chapters, and involves many people who are still living and would rather not be mentioned in my story, so right now, I will spare you the details. However, I will say that I grew up in rural poverty, where, for many people in my life, suicide was the only perceived way of escape.

When I was 18, a woman who I randomly met at the gym somehow knew that was something that I was struggling with. She had struggled with the same thing, and had made a choice to live, many years prior.

She declared a Bible verse over me: Ps. 118.17, "...I will not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord."

I just remembered that last spring...

I decided to live, even though life was ugly...

Life became better, but several years later, some really hard things happened in my life, and I became very depressed again, and entertained the option of suicide. That was a tipping point...I gave it back a key, so to speak.

On my 25th birthday, I looked at a bottle of pills, and decided it was time. But then I did a bizarre thing. I called a friend. He told me to wait just 20 minutes. To this day, I have no idea how, in Chicago rush hour traffic, he made it to my apartment so quickly, but he did, and I'm still here...

I got through that, but I secretly entertained the option over the years, especially in my early 30's when more very hard things happened, and my chronic physical pain started to increase.

So here's the point where it kind of broke off for good. A man and woman in my life  who have truly been surrogate parents to me, (you are probably reading this, and you know who you are!), took me to dinner. I confided in them that I was secretly contemplating suicide almost daily. They are unflappable. They simply exchanged glances, and my "Mom", said that if I did it, she'd kill my "skinny little a**."

Somewhere in the Bible, it says that laughter is like good medicine. I swear I started to laugh so hard that any suicidal tendency I had ever had broke off me in that moment, but there was more! My Father added to a story. He launched into telling me that when he and my mom were first married, he had jokingly threatened his new bride that if she dared die before he did, he would have her laid out in a red bikini. (She had one and he really liked it...). He proceeded to tell me that if I took my own life, he would do the same to me. (And since I knew he'd be the one preaching my funeral, he would not hesitate to carry out his threat...)

That idea was so funny and horrifying to me, and I swear I laughed so hard...I took back the key. Every time Suicide would knock on my door, I would remember that story, and would start laughing so hard, and tell it to go away!

I realize that sounds utterly bizarre, but whatever. It worked for me. This past year, I have also realized that saying no is not a strong enough choice...I actually need to say yes to living fully.

I know that is going to involve opening myself to experiencing pain instead of hardening myself to it and giving myself the option to escape it. And in that choice, I will also be making the choice to fully love myself...a choice I never knew until recently was actually an option. Now I know it's what everything hinges upon...

So I've said "yes" to living, and I hope my sharing this helps someone else establish their "yes"...

 

Changing My Mind

So I'm learning about declarations.

I know some of you who love me dearly will hand-palm your foreheads. Yes, you have been trying to teach me about the power of my words for...idk...like YEARS...

Well, it's FINALLY sinking in.

If you're unfamiliar, with declarations, you can check out this website. Steve and Wendy taught at my school a few times this past year, my Revival Group Pastor interned for them, as did a woman I'm doing some work for this summer. Their work is largely based on changing your life by changing your words.

Now I know others of you who know me and read this are going to be uncomfortable with that statement, but bear with me. Words are powerful, everyone knows that. Most of us also realize that the way we speak directly influences how we think, and how we think influences how we act, and how we act determines our destiny.

I ran around for a very long time, trying to find out God's will for me. Thanks to many wise people in my life, I was given very practical advice. (Having trustworthy, wise friends is essential to living life well...that's a story for another day...)

Right. Yes. Advice.

The Bible says to be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so you may be able to understand what God's good, pleasing and perfect will actually is, (Romans 12:2). Wonderful...so how do we renew our minds?

...you guessed it! By changing our words. Brilliant.

(...it's in my bio on this blog...my mind is a transitional neighborhood. I've invited you, the reader, to be part of that process...fun, huh?!)

My job of late has been changing the way I speak about myself and my circumstances. Things have not been easy for me during school. Going after your dreams isn't supposed to be easy, and often, when you're going in the right direction, there is a LOT of resistance-- take rip tides for example. If you go with the flow, you'll probably die. Best swim against the tide, I think.

...but I digress...sort of. I'm definitely swimming against the tide in regard to changing my words about myself. I'm on a negativity fast. No. Negative. Words. (...funny, they really aren't necessary...)

I'm learning to declare the truth about myself and about my circumstances. The website has more details, but I'm definitely declaring truth over myself and my life. It's challenging, but very, very helpful and necessary.

If you're facing opposition in an area of your life, or just feel stuck, you can declare the truth, which is usually the opposite of the situation. For instance, if you've screwed up, instead of "I'm such and idiot," you can say things like, "Mistakes are permissible, and they help me grow." If you're feeling stuck, you can declare, "...there is always a solution!"

One of my favorite declarations was written my kids at my church. I've included it below, because hearing kids declare this is SO AWESOME. It so makes me wish I had believed these things about myself when I was a child. Read them. Can you imagine?!?

"I am powerful, and what I believe changes the world! So today I declare:
God is in a good mood.
He loves me all the time.
Nothing can separate me from His love.
Jesus' blood paid for everything.
I will tell nations of what He has done.
I am important.
How He made me is amazing.
I was designed for worship.
My mouth establishes praise to silence the enemy.
Everywhere I go becomes a perfect health zone.
And...with God
Nothing is impossible!"

So here's to changing our minds...

I'm sitting in Starbucks, trying to be inspired.

My favorite coffee house just had a power outage, so I'm in Starbucks.

Starbucks is fine in Chicago when it's summer and you can sit outside and people-watch, or in New York, where you need your coffee on the way to wherever, and need it in a timely manner. It's also worth planning your cross-country drive around Starbucks, (i.e. civilization): flashback to me in a casino in West Wendover, Nevada, having stayed the night in the $40-per-night-circa-1985-televisionless hotel room, just for the Starbucks in the lobby...that's a story for another day...

Starbucks is fine when you're in a hurry or want to blend in, or when you are driving across Wyoming and are desperate for civilization...and it's probably fine in a foreign country...it's rather like an embassy of sorts.

But in Redding, the coffee culture is very different. Nowhere will you receive a well-crafted cup of coffee in under 5 minutes, except maybe at Brew. Most certainly not at Starbucks. (...believe me, the first time I had to  wait for my almond milk cafe au lait, I nearly tore my hair out. I quickly learned-- from vowing never to go back there again-- only to experience the same phenomenon at the next establishment, and the next...and the next, that the pace of life is different here.

It's very slow. And don't even get me started on the driving. No. I'm on a negativity fast. It's only an observation. I am not allowed to rant.

So yes. It's slow. But it's also amaze-balls.

In Redding, though it takes no less than 5 minutes, sometimes 10, I can order single-origin-organic-fair-trade-waterprocessed-decaf-hemp-milk-flat-whites without anyone batting an eye, or saying "...I'm sorry, what milk?"

I also now have a favorite coffee house. It is new, and it has quickly become the see-and-be-seen place, but not as much as the other, older, see-and-be-seen place, where most of my favorite musicians work. (listen here) Or more specifically, are employed; the other day, one of my other favorite singer/songwriters came in to my primary favorite coffee house to work...like write undisturbed, while I tried my best to my best "NBD, your-song-just-changed-my- life" face, and not pee my pants. (listen to that song here).

Anyway, I'm sitting here trying to be inspired, and maybe I am. I am definitely happy, and my favorite place will be open tomorrow, although, if it's 108F for a third day in a row, the power may go out again, and I may have to seek refuge at Starbucks again. We'll see...

The Porch Light Is Always On...

Today was the last day of my first year at ministry school.

I could write pages about the miracles that led me here, the unexpected difficulties and challenges, the wealth added to my heart from the hearts of new friends, but that will be for another day.

Today, I am writing so that I can look back and remember one of the most personally meaningful things I have ever heard.

This afternoon, as our school's overseer finished his final remarks, he said this:

"By the time I was fifteen, I started not coming home at night. Sometimes a week would go by, where I wouldn't come home.

But I had a mother who loved me, and she always left the porch light on for me. It was a sign that I was always welcome.

And when I would finally come home, she would wrap her arms around me, and no matter what I'd done, she's tell me she loved me.

I want to say to you, when you leave here, should you ever lose your way, the porch light will always be on for you. This House will always be ready, with open arms, to welcome you. This is your home."